


The Vigilantes Take To Twitter

by amateurexorcist



Category: Daredevil (TV), Jessica Jones (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, F/M, Human Disaster Matt Murdock, Human Disaster Peter Parker, M/M, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Social Media, Twitter, civil war happened differently so peter and tony never met, i want them to have a culture. a whole lil secret society thing., im going to make karen/marci a thing if its the last thing i do, not gonna lie. 2/3 of this fic will be me worldbuilding the FUCK out of vigilantes, peter and matt enable eachother, peter causes chaos on the internet, they cause foggy karen claire and luke constant heart attacks, they only have 17 fics and 1 of them is mine
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:40:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 5,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23807038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amateurexorcist/pseuds/amateurexorcist
Summary: I am Ironman @StarkSpiderMan got a twitter?>Sticccc-Man @Spider_Man_QueensThere is a hyphen.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Steve Rogers, Karen Page/Marci Stahl, Matt Murdock/Franklin "Foggy" Nelson, Pepper Potts/Tony Stark
Comments: 97
Kudos: 679





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "but amateurexorcist," you cry "you already made a twitter fic"
> 
> yeah well i wanna write me some shitty crack and vigilante chaos is best chaos.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Hi criminals. There's gotta be some criminals on Twitter today, right? I gotta question for you. Why do you dumbfucks keep committing crimes? Specifically in Queens and Hell's Kitchen?? You're gonna get caught, dumbass. Yes, I'm talking to you, Turk.

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Wow these parody accounts are getting good.

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Where did I say I was a parody account??

>>> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Wait what?

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

I ain't no parody account.

_[There is a selfie attached. Spider-Man, in full suit, is sticking to the pointy top of the Empire State Building. With his free hand he is making a peace sign. Its nighttime, and the entire city below him looks beautiful with all of its sparkling lights.]_

_> **Spider-Fan** @gwen_goddess_

Oh my Lord you are legit amkasdhjzdhwjasdhu. I'm sorry I doubted you Spidey.

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

No no no. Its okay! :)

> **Gotta go fast** _@FlashT_

Spider-Man! I'm you biggest fan!

> **Trolls** **was a good movie** _@AllisonfromMich_

So vigilantes, AKA wanted criminals, are just getting twitter accounts now?

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Well, honestly. The original idea behind getting this account was so we'd have a way to warn the public about threats quicker. Stuff like, hypothetically, "Avoid eastern Queens at night, and if you live there lock all your windows. There has been a string of break-ins."

>>> **Trolls** **was a good movie** _@AllisonfromMich_

Why not just let the cops and the news do their job?

>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Remember Fisk? He's not the only one who has corrupt cops working for him. The media can be just as bad. We also learn about the issues faster and have less red tape to deal with.

>>>>> **Trolls** **was a good movie** _@AllisonfromMich_

Thats... Actually a good point. You keep doing that.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Wow... Thats uh.... A lot of followers. Woah.

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

I mean... Your account is kind of like a city-wide neighborhood watch. And also people like Spider-Man. And also I know more than one person from Hell's Kitchen that hope Daredevil will get an account if yours' takes off.

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Oh uh. Sorry Double D fans. He's probably won't. Both because he'd generally just refuse to and also because he's not very technology proficient.

**daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Oh my God have you guys seen that video??

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

What video?

>> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Link

>>> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Oh no, that looks really, really bad. Thats... A lot of blood. I hope he's okay.

> **MmmmmmM** @MMMMMMMM

Yeah, I've heard.

>> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Its awful

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

So. A few days ago a video made the rounds of Daredevil getting attacked by knives. He got cut up quite a bit, but I'm here to say that he is OKAY. He's in one piece. He's alive. He's really fucking pissed but that's basically his default setting so he's fine. (1/2)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Shoutout to the Vigilante Wrangler Squad who stitched his dumb ass up and then kept him from tearing those stitches. You people don't know anything about them, but of it wasn't for them this city wouldn't have any vigilantes anymore. (2/2)

>> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Why wouldn't we?

>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

We'd all be dead. Case in point, Daredevil on Tuesday who decided to fight thirty-five enforcers on his own. Because he is truly the most reckless out of all of us, he cannot go more than a month without life-risking shenaniganry.

>>>> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

O-oh?

**daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

_@Spider_Man_Queens_ Hey why are you named "Sticccc-Man"

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Bc I sticccc to things

**I am Ironman** _@Stark_

SpiderMan got a twitter?

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

There is a hyphen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any random person is just a faceless nobody i made up on the spot for plot reasons
> 
> except Spider-Fan, who's Gwen Stacy. i just... wanted her to be here.


	2. Chapter 2

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

After much deliberation and talking, we have decided to get the Vigilante Wranglers Twitter accounts. We've got 3 of the 4, because the other one told me to "get lost or get tossed" when I asked her.

> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

Oh-ho-ho-ho?

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Hi internet

> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

This was probably a mistake.

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Mistakes are what I'm best at ( ﾟヮﾟ)

>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Dude.

**Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

I've been told to do a QNA? Okay. Everyone, feel free to reply!

_>_ **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

OMG!!! Like, what do you guys do?? For the vigilantes I mean??

>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

_@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_ and _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_ mostly try to keep Daredevil's dumb ass well-slept, fed, and watered, he's just that much effort to keep alive. I'm basically a medic. The person who didn't want an account is our muscle.

**_> >>_Spider-Fan ** _@gwen_goddess_

Amazing.

> **Trolls** **was a good movie** _@AllisonfromMich_

What's a very ridiculous thing a vigilante has done?

>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

This one time my neighbor started blaring Justin Bieber when I was fixing up S-M, and I had just finished giving DD stitches. DD made a noise of distress and scrambled under my couch like a salamander.

> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

Who did you get to hack my fucking AI two months ago?

>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

_@Spider_Man_Queens._ Don't try to make a file on the vigilantes. He says that next time he'll delete all your music playlists too.

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Damn straight.

> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Gay rights? Trans rights?

>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Gay/Trans rights!! _@Spider_Man_Queens @ineedmorepatiencepleasegod @ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Gay rights are human rights!! Trans rights are human rights!!

>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

Of fucking course?? Homophobes and Transphobes are gonna catch these hands.

>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Oh yeah, definitely. And DD says that next time one of you Hell's Kitchen-ers kick out your kid for being lgbtq+ he'll break your ankles.

**Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

QNA is over! Have a nice day! Drink your water!

**Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Woah. Spider-Man and Daredevil are the allies we never knew we needed.

> **Trolls** **was a good movie** _@AllisonfromMich_

Are you sure? I don't know how I feel about DD threatening people.

>>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Well, honestly? Back in my day far worse happened to queer children than broken ankles. Things like that are continuing to happen across the world, and in this country too. If you abandon or abuse your kids because of the gender they are or they love than I'd break your ankles too.

>>> **Trolls** **was a good movie** _@AllisonfromMich_

Is that Captain fucking America?

>>>>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Yes.

**I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

_@SteveRogers_ for the last damn time, even if its for a good cause, you can't condone vigilante justice on the internet.

> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

_@SteveRogers_ Damnit I know you saw this.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

My dear, beloved followers. I present you with a gift.

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[DD when he fell off of a roof last saturday.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7JOnrLwMiao)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

_[@ineedmoresleeppleasegod when she has to stitch up someone's dumb ass for the 10th time that](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QlT3tK5XVk) _ [ week.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-QlT3tK5XVk)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[@ineedmoresleeppleasegod when she found DD in her fucking dumpster.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUjTmTnnszk)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod when DD tries to BS her about how he got injured.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tA8LjcpjjKQ)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[The 4th person when I tried to convince her to make a twitter. ;,(](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hyw6kKMjp5A)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

And uh. Thats all I've got for now. Maybe I'll have more later?

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

wtf Spidey. Not that I'm dissing this, this is some quality fucking content here, but why?

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

For the chaos.

> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Why are you the way you are?


	3. Chapter 3

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

You have asked, dear followers. As it is 2 AM and I cannot find it in me to sleep. Here are some more vines.

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[DD whenever he has to undercover for literally anything.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qe_cgIUjNMM)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[Me @ crimminals ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WkoMiPoTxM0)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[That vigilante from LA I met once who was wearing 2 masks.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOtd_rBHebI)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[All you fucking crime boss fucks. Especially you, Fisk.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e03yTtUadnc)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[Yet another actual representation of DD "trying" (failing) to wear a disguise.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-X0uU-5ytXo)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[How it feels when @ineedmoresleeppleasegod wakes you up every 2 hours so u dont die of ur concussion.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mZgZjbcwhiY)

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

[No context.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ZuydxEUpFM)

_>_ **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Why do most of your vines make fun of Daredevil?

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

He's easy to make fun of. Mostly cause he gives me a lot of content.

> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES axdfaanjsd

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

**oh my god they were _roommates_  
**

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Double D just said, and I quote. "Like he's any better with disguises. He's just jealous that I'm sexy in red."

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Well. Tell him that I said his suit looks like something someone would wear to a BDSM convention.

>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Well. In his defense your's looks like a jolly rancher.

_> >>>_ **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Its 3 in the morning?? Do you like live with Daredevil or something?? Is that how you ferry information around for him??

>>>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Uhhhhhh....

>>>>>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

You're so fucking stupid sometimes, man.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

I met Captain America cause' Hydra was doing shit in Queens but then I panicked and punched him in the face.

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Why did you punch me?

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

I PANICKED IM SORRY

>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Fighting is how vigilantes get to know each other.

>>>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Wait, what?

_> >>_ _> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** @ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

The first thing DD and Spidey did when they met was try to beat each other up and now they're best friends. DD and the Hero of Harlem tried to fight, Spidey and the HoH tried to fight.... Etc, etc....

>>>>>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Jesus Christ. Ya'll need help.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Okay I'm still sorry but [me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQUFMqtRYPI)


	4. Chapter 4

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

It is coming.

_>_ **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Uhhhh, Spidey? You okay?

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Oh God no.

> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

Fucking hell.

> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Please tell me it isn't what I think it is.

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

The Ball has arrived in nyc.

>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

**Bow n' Arrow** ➵ _@Hawkeye_ ☑

_@Spider_Man_Queens_ Hey, I know Nat and I have kinda left the underground since we left the spy life in the past year or so, but we were wondering if we could still participate in The Ball?

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

All in fair in love and The Ball.

> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

You're in on this? What's going on? Should I be scared?

>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Be scared. Join the club.

**daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Guys wtf Black Widow and Hawkeye are chasing Spidey on the rooftops of the building across from me. My gf is recording it.

> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED

> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Link

_(The video is very shaky as it was recorded on a cellphone that someone had been holding up. Spidey is running at top speed across the rooftops. Clint and Nat are hot on his heels. He's making a slow progress in widening the gap between them, since he has super speed and can also stick to walls. He makes a jump from a lower building to the side of a taller one. Out of nowhere, Daredevil drops off of the roof of the taller building and crashes straight into Spidey. Both of them tumble onto the rooftop of the shorter building. Daredevil succeeds in wrenching a small, faded yellow ball out of Spidey's hand before he gets back up and runs out of view of the window. Nat and Clint catch up to Spidey, and Nat offers him a hand to help him up. Spidey can be heard shouting "You're dead!" in Daredevil's direction.)_

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

He's cruisin' for a bruisin'.

>>> **Bow n' Arrow** ➵ _@Hawkeye_ ☑

Team?? You, me, and Nat against DD? He won't stand a damn chance.

>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Its impossible to sneak up on his ass, so we'll need to work together. You bet I'll be teaming with you two. I fucking want The Ball.

>>>>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

What the hell is going on?

>>>>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

A weird vigilante thing. Hey, _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_ you should probably get your boyf to cool his heels. He's trying to fight 2 avengers ans Spider-Man at the same time. I'm not scraping him off the pavement after his inevitable defeat.

**Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Daredevil lost The Ball and he is Devastated™

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Who fucking took it?

>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Jesus H Christ. I think it was Castle?

>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Frank fucking Castle? That fucker? He's hardly part of this godforsaken club. I'm gonna beat his ass. I'm gonna break his stupid, ugly face.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

So turns out Castle dropped The Ball down a fucking sewer drain, but I still broke his nose.

**I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

Spider-Man just HACKED FRIDAY for the purpose of stealing that stupid ball back from Barton. He took out FRI and went through the maze of vents which were specifically designed to be impossible to navigate. For. A fucking ball.

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Its *The Ball.

>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

What

>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Its The Ball. Uppercase. I don't know what to tell you. These people are just like that.

>>>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

Are there like.... Any rules??? I'm pretty sure that Spider-Man broke one of Clint's fingers over this. Like he definitely did that.

>>>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

No killing or maiming. That's it. Those are the rules. Last time they played The Ball Daredevil pushed Spider-Man off of a four story roof and Hawkeye kept shooting people with rubber bullets.

>>>>>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

Jesus fucking Christ why do they do this?

>>>>>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Some kind of team bonding I think?? Like when you and your coworkers play paintball. But stupider and more dangerous? Idk I'm not quite sure. The Ball has been around since the 50s, but the concept of the game is practically ancient.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

(ง'̀-'́)ง

**Daredevil** _@devilofhk_

Hello I made this account purely to state the following: Spider man I am going to kill you

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Quit making promises you won't keep.

**I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

Has anyone ever died because of The Ball?

> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Nobody has ever been murdered over it, but there is a bit of an urban legend that a vigilante died in the 90s because he jumped into the ocean to avoid The Ball being taken from him. The Ball washed up but the body never did.

>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

W h y.

**Daredevil** _@devilofhk_

I am going to kick the muscle out of the vigilante wranglers

**Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Why?

**Daredevil** _@devilofhk_

She knows why

**Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Its finally over. The Ball has left the damn city. I'm so tired.

> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

I still have no idea what happened. Would you mind giving me a rundown?

>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Spidey got it first. Daredevil got it from him. Castle got it from him. Castle lost it down a manhole. Hawkeye found it again. Spidey got it back. Black Widow took it. DD, Spidey, and Hawkeye teamed up to get it from her, it ended up w/ DD. 1/?

>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

It somehow managed to end up with our muscle. She willingly gave it to this lady that was only stopping briefly in the city in a bid to end it early. That succeeded. Its now in an unknown location, probably LA. And thats all I know. 2/2

**Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Hawkeye had it for the longest continuous period. Spidey had it for the greatest amassed time. DD stole it the most often. Congrats, you three. You won the stupid game.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was inspired by this fic: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16620764 
> 
> Its literally amazing and you all need to go check it out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

I'm here, I'm queer, and I'm filled with existential fear.

_>_ **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Why are you afraid?

>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Today I found out more than I ever wanted to know about Spider-Man's weird fucking bug biology.

>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

*Arachnid biology. I'm an arachnid, not a bug.

>>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Bug, arachnid, whatever. Gorillas still share more DNA with the average human than you.

>>>>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

Excuse me, w h a t?

>>>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Everyone is super freaking out right now so here's the tea: I am 97.3% human. The other 2.7% was muddled or whatever thanks to me unwittingly gettin poked by some weird shit. Gorillas share about 98% of their DNA w/ humans.

> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

So are you... 2.7% spider or something?

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

No. The spider that fucked up my genes was probably not 100% spider itself, so its more 2.7% who-the-fuck-knows.

**Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Wait so are Daredevil and _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_ dating or was that a joke? Or a fever dream??

> **Trolls** **was a good movie** _@AllisonfromMich_

Maybe it was a joke?? Maybe it was for real?? Idk.

> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Oh god, could you imagine if they were?? That would be like, the only celebrity coming-out that I could bring myself to care about. I couldn't give a flying fuck what gender you bang in your mansion. But DD is more like us. Y'know?

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

We are! :)

>> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Oh my god oh my god oh my god

>> **daredevil has a Nice Ass** _@cchloee_

Wait I should change my username this is weird now.

>> **daredevil is an lgbtq+ icon** _@cchloee_

There we go

>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Oh you didn't have to! He does have a nice ass 👀👀

>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Thanks for that mental image. Now I must go bleach my eyes.

**jake the stake** _@jakeake_

Okay but I have like. An idea. On who _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_ is?

_This tweet couldn't be found._

_This tweet couldn't be found._

_This tweet couldn't be found._

_This tweet couldn't be found._

_This tweet couldn't be found._

_This tweet couldn't be found._

_This tweet couldn't be found._

_This tweet couldn't be found._

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Okay. I thought you could all behave. But I'm gonna say this once and only once: if you try to find the identities of any of the vigilante wranglers, I will fucking doxx you. They have lives. They are innocent fucking people. Leave them out of this.

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Damn Spidey went off.

>> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

But they all so deserved it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok. i feel the need to explain something about this verse
> 
> marvel is real. dc are fictional comicbooks. 
> 
> idk how to explain it that well. but like. the marvel company never existed? and its characters do, theyre real people. but dc was still founded in 1934 and make fictional superhero stories.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Mmmm watcha sayyyyy Link

_(Video. It was shot from someone on the middle of a rooftop. Daredevil was on the edge. Someone threw a softball at him from off to the right and out of frame. The ball moved at an inhuman speed and struck him straight in the side, he tumbled off of the roof.)_

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Oh my God, is he okay??

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

I wouldn't post this if he actually got hurt lol.

> **daredevil is an lgbtq+ icon** _@cchloee_

Who tf threw that ball??

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

The Hero of Harlem.

> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

I find myself worrying about you all more and more every day.

**I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

Fun story. I never _actually_ met Spider-Man, I wasn't on the mission where Spider-Man punched Steve. But there was these people that were doing weapons smuggling, and our intel told us that they had some alien tech. So we had to deal with that. 1/?

> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

Turns out that Daredevil and Spider-Man didn't know about the alien tech, but they did hear about the weapons dealing. For some godforsaken reason, our separate busts just HAD to be on the same day. 2/?

> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

Twitter, I'm telling you, these people are fucking insane. Spider-Man webbed an energy blaster, spun around, and slingshotted it at some random fool. Daredevil was _stabbed_ and went 'no im fine, look the energy cauterized the wound'. 3/?

> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

Also, I have no idea how these two are friends. They are such different people. Spider-Man is a chatterbox and a jokester, even in the middle of a fight. And Daredevil is like an edgier Batman, if that was even possible. 4/?

> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

I was also treated to watching Spider-Man down ten five hour energy drinks within ten seconds. 5/6

> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

In conclusion I think all vigilantes are on the verge of falling apart at any given moment, and the only reason they're still alive is because of sheer spite and _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_ 6/6

>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

Never have I read a more accurate statement. Daredevil is the king of spite. He partakes in a 12 course spite banquet everyday. Mostly for criminals and Castle. (But also a bit for himself if we're being completely honest.)

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Excuse me. _What_ happened to Daredevil?

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

RIP Double D. 1980something-2020. Cause of death: Lying about getting fucking stabbed again.

>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Says the guy who ingests caffeine like it's going out of fashion. You already have an increased heart rate and blood pressure. You're gonna have a aneurysm and die.

>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Suddenly I am Jared, 19.

**Daredevil** _@devilofhk_

Stop throwing softballs at me or suffer the consequences

**Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Can we talk about how Daredevil keeps making one (1) ominous post every week and a half before disappearing back into the darkness and he still has more followers than most politicians?

> **daredevil is an lgbtq+ icon** _@cchloee_

He fights for the little guy, battles corruption, every single hk-er either has been saved by him or knows someone who was, hes an lgbt icon, and politicians suck.

>> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Point made, have a nice day.

**Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

rood

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Shoutout to that one 24 hour diner that doesnt bat an eye when dd and i go in at 1 AM after a drug bust and consume absurd amounts of food. you know who you are and i love you

> **daredevil is an lgbtq+ icon** _@cchloee_

You phrased this like its a regular occurrence??

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Its happened more that once.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

The Daily Bugle really thinks I get bothered that they call me a menace... Yeah I don't really care what newspaper that employs people who post blatant bigotry on the internet thinks of me. (*cough* JJJ *cough*)

> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

That's some nice tea you've got going there

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Thank you, Spider-Man, the best ally. 🙏🙏

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

The day I do something that isn't allyship y'all get to take me out back and put me down like a lame horse.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Happy Mother's Day!! I wouldn't be the person/crime-fighter I am today if it wasn't for the woman who raised me! I love her and owe her so much and I love her!!

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

And drink your GODDAMN respect women juice or I'll break yer fuckin legs.

**I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

Okay, who the fuck taught Barnes how to meme.

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

I'm the fuck

>> **I a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

WHY

>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Revenge

>>>> **I a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

FOR WHAT

>>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

_Screenshot_

> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_
> 
> Fun story. I never _actually_ met Spider-Man, I wasn't on the mission where Spider-Man punched Steve. But there was these people that were doing weapons smuggling, and our intel told us that they had some alien tech. So we had to deal with that. 1/?
> 
> > **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_
> 
> Turns out that Daredevil and Spider-Man didn't know about the alien tech, but they did hear about the weapons dealing. For some godforsaken reason, our separate busts just HAD to be on the same day. 2/?
> 
> > **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_
> 
> Twitter, I'm telling you, these people are fucking insane. Spider-Man webbed an energy blaster, spun around, and slingshotted it at some random fool. Daredevil was _stabbed_ and went 'no im fine, look the energy cauterized the wound'. 3/?
> 
> > **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_
> 
> Also, I have no idea how these two are friends. They are such different people. Spider-Man is a chatterbox and a jokester, even in the middle of a fight. And Daredevil is like an edgier Batman, if that was even possible. 4/?
> 
> > **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_
> 
> I was also treated to watching Spider-Man down ten five hour energy drinks within ten seconds. 5/6
> 
> > **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_
> 
> In conclusion I think all vigilantes are on the verge of falling apart at any given moment, and the only reason they're still alive is because of sheer spite and _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_ 6/6

**JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

ravioli ravioli give me the death i deservioli

**JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

god is dead and im bringing her corpse in for the bounty

**JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

i met daredevil today. i think he just really needs a snickers

> **Daredevil** _@devilofhk_

No I do not

>> **daredevil is an lgbtq+ icon** _@cchloee_

There he is, folks. See you all next week

>> **JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

youre not you when youre hungry

> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

STOP

>> **JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

no

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be posted on sunday but eh


	8. Chapter 8

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Guys I'm having a crisis help

_>_ **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

About what, Spidey?

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

I just realized that _@Stark_ 's playboy years and DD's own similar shenanigans overlapped by about three months. We all know that they both are attracted to men. What if they f u c k e d?

>>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

Thanks I hate it

>>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

WHAT

**JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

twitter why aren't my mans verified?? _@devilofhk_ _@Spider_Man_Queens_

> **Daredevil** _@devilofhk_

I'm not your friend

>> **JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

yes you are

>>> **Daredevil** _@devilofhk_

I barely even tolerate you


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> steve goes OFF

**JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

brace yourselves, internet. steve is about to do A Thing

⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

It had been brought to my attention that you chucklefucks all think I'm a conservative?? 1/?

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

First off, immigration. You dumbasses seriously didn't pay attention in history class, huh? I'm a fucking second generation irish immigrant. They were saying the same shit about us in the 30s that you are saying today. 2/?

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Women's rights? I was raised by a single mother, who was also a suffragette. Some of the most powerful people in my life are/were women. Not just my mother but also Peggy Carter, Nat, Pepper, Wanda, etc. 3/?

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Universal healthcare? Welfare? You bet your asses. I was born into extreme poverty. I lived through the fucking Great Depression. I know what it's like to go through that. People aren't poor because they're "lazy". Poverty is systemic. 4/?

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Environment? Sue me, I want the Earth to exist for future generations. 5/?

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

And... The big one. Gay rights. I've got something I need to tell you. I'm bisexual, and I've been in a relationship with Bucky since 1939. Captain America is not straight, get your heads out of your asses already, FOX news. 6/?

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

And trans rights? You bet your fucking asses. The lgbt community can't divide itself, when we do we weaken ourselves, and the LGBTphobes are able to hurt us. Our trans brothers, trans sisters, and nb siblings deserve just as much happiness and fulfillment as everyone else. 7/8

>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

And I'm done. And I haven't slept in thirty four hours. I'm going to go bed. 8/8

**Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

broke: superheros or vigilantes?

woke: are steve and bucky or daredevil and _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_ your dads?


	10. Chapter 10

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Breaking News: God is a Lesbian

**Shuri 👑** _@Shuri ☑_

_@Spider_Man_Queens_ where do you get that tech of your's from?

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

oh my go d you're the princess of wakanda aznasoidhsdd oh my god i can't believe you're talking to me?? i think i'm about to have a heart attack and di e youre so cool

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

oh and uh sorry for not answering your question your highness ma'am i uh make it myself

>>> **Shuri 👑** _@Shuri ☑_

With what funding??

>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

uh no funding i dumpster dive

>>>>> **Shuri 👑** _@Shuri ☑_

Hm, interesting. I like you.

**I am Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

Why do I suddenly feel like the world is about to end?

> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Princess Shuri and Spider-Man just interacted

>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

Ohhhh nooooo

**Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Daredevil eats freezies like they're fucking bananas. Bites into em and chews em up and everything. I'm horrified. God knows I love him but w h y.


	11. Chapter 11

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

wtf is a freezie??

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

The frozen stick of fruity ice??

>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

You mean?? An icy??

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Oh! A zooper-dooper!

>>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

I'm sorry, you call them _what_ now?

**JB** _@youknowwhoiam ☑_

When I say "my people", am I talking about 20-something year olds?? WW2 vets?? ex-hydra people?? enhanced people?? the gays?? the world will never kno

**I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

_@Spider_Man_Queens_ Twitter is not the most appropriate place to contact you with but this is the only way I can message you answer me.

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

wat do you want

>> **I am Ironman** _@Stark_ ☑

You know why!

>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

The fuck is going on?

>>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

S-M made an orphan joke.

>>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

It's really not a big deal?? Most enhanced people are orphans. DD is. The muscle is... Uh, I think Bucky and Rogers are?? Wanda is.

>>>>>>⋆ **Captain America** ⋆ _@SteveRogers_ ☑

Why is he Bucky and I'm Rogers?

>>>>>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

i like him more. i even told him my Tragic Backstory.

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

We finally got the woman who raised me to join the godawful vigilante minecraft server and she immediately walked into a ravine and died.

> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

Ya'll play minecraft??

>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Why wouldn't we??

**Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

Vigilantes and co. are doing another AMA! Tweet with _#askvigilantes_ and we'll (try) to answer you!

**Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

_#askvigilantes_ What are your favorite musicals?

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

I'm a fan of Into the Woods. DD will _tell you_ that his favorite musical is Les Mis, but he secretly is a massive Annie stan.

> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

I like the book of mormon. Also you all need to brace yourselves.

>> **Spider-Fan** _@gwen_goddess_

What?

>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

S-M and _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_ are whispering and tapping at their phones urgently. Can't be anything good.

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

SWING YOUR RAZOR WIIIIIDEEEE SWEENEY

>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

HOLD IT TO THE SKIESSSSS

>>> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

FREELY FLOWS THE BLOOD OF THOSE WHO MORALIZEEEEE

>>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

Woah I forgot you guys were obsessed with Sweeney Todd.

>>>>> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

How. Don't you remember that time we were peer pressured into being Sweeney Todd characters with them for the godawful vigilante halloween party?? DD had an allergic reaction to the hairspray?? We almost had to take him to the hospital??

>>>>>> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

I was repressing those memories. Thanks for bringing them back up. 

**daredevil is an lgbtq+ icon** _@cchloee_

_#askvigilantes_ In your reply about musicals, you mentioned a 'godawful vigilante halloween party'. Do you guys have holidays?

> **Devilsitter 1** _@ineedmorepatiencepleasegod_

You see, for some unknown reason, enhanced people are orphans like 99% of the time, regardless of whether or not they're vigilantes, heros, etc. So they all gather up their remaining loved ones and meet up for holidays.

> **Chaotic Good Mob Doctor** _@ineedmoresleeppleasegod_

Yeah. The big ones are halloween (terrible chaos), winter holiday season (some unholy combination of christmas and yuletide), the 4th of july (spent exclusively drunkenly shit-talking the gov), and easter (watching enhanced people hide eggs in increasingly insane locations)

>> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

Last year for Easter S-M stashed an egg on top of Avengers Tower, nobody has recovered it yet

>>> **I** **a** **m** **Ironman** _@Stark ☑_

What?

**Bow n' Arrow** ➵ _@Hawkeye_ ☑

What happened to the soccer ball Spider-Man stole from me seventeen months ago?

> **Sticccc-Man** _@Spider_Man_Queens_

I have no idea what you're talking about.

> **Devilsitter 2** _@ineedmorecoffeepleasegod_

he lost it down a sewer drain

>> **Bow n' Arrow** ➵ _@Hawkeye_ ☑

HOW DO YOU LOSE A SOCCER BALL DOWN A SEWER DRAIN??


End file.
